Family Grief: Mourning Who They Were, While Supporting Who They Are
When families love someone battling addiction or complex mental health conditions, they often describe feeling as though they have lost their son, daughter, spouse, or sibling even though that person is still alive. The laughter, stability, or trust they once knew can feel out of reach. At the same time, they are still trying to support the version of their loved one who stands before them, often unpredictable, withdrawn, or changed by illness.
This tension is a form of grief. Naming it, acknowledging that families are mourning who their loved one was while learning to support who they are, can bring relief, reduce shame, and open the door to healing.
Ambiguous Loss: When Grief Has No Clear Ending
Unlike the grief that follows death, this is an ambiguous loss. The person is still physically present but emotionally or relationally altered by addiction or mental health struggles. Families may cycle through sadness, anger, and longing without closure.
Psychologist Pauline Boss coined the term “ambiguous loss” to describe this experience. Families feel caught between hope and despair, unsure how to grieve or how much to hold on.
“He’s not the same son I raised.”
“I miss the daughter who used to light up a room.”
“I want to believe my spouse will come back to me, but I don’t know if they ever will.”
These statements are grief in disguise. They reveal the mourning of who someone used to be while struggling to connect with who they are now.
How This Grief Shows Up in Families
Families living with addiction or mental illness often experience:
Confusion and guilt: Feeling guilty for grieving someone who is still alive.
Anger: Resenting the behaviors that have eroded trust and safety.
Hopelessness: Believing their loved one will never return to who they once were.
Isolation: Struggling to share their pain because others do not understand this type of grief.
Recognizing these emotions as grief, not just frustration, helps validate the experience and reframe the healing process.
Why Naming the Grief Matters
Naming ambiguous loss does not mean giving up on a loved one. It means:
Reducing shame: Realizing you are not a bad parent or cold spouse for feeling this way.
Creating space for healing: Recognizing grief allows emotions to be processed instead of suppressed.
Building realistic support: Learning to balance hope with boundaries, and support with self-care.
When grief is named and worked through, there is renewed energy to engage in recovery in healthier ways.
Practical Ways to Begin Working Through Ambiguous Loss
Acknowledge It Out Loud
Say what feels unspeakable: “I miss the son I used to know.” Giving words to grief is a powerful first step.Seek Parallel Healing
Therapy, coaching, or support groups can validate and normalize the grief you feel.Balance Hope and Realism
Hold on to hope while also accepting the reality of today. You can love your loved one now while still longing for who they were.Redefine Connection
Instead of waiting for things to return to how they were, find new ways of relating, creating moments of connection even if the relationship looks different.Build Support Systems
Healing requires community. Grief and hope can coexist when shared in a safe, supportive space.
Grieving who your loved one used to be does not mean abandoning them. It means acknowledging the deep impact of addiction or mental illness on the family system, and giving yourself permission to feel the loss. Healing begins when grief is named, stories are shared, and families receive guidance for the path forward.
At Interventions With Love, I walk alongside families in this difficult tension, mourning the past, supporting the present, and building hope for the future. Whether through family coaching, intervention, or structured support, you do not have to navigate this grief alone. Contact me today to learn how your family can begin healing together.